The Blind Date One

06Jun07

I forgot to set the sleep timer on my TV last night and I woke up at some point to “Blind Date.” A dude was coming on too strong, but thinking he was doing great, while a chick was shutting him down. Have you seen that one? That started me wondering what I would be like as a contestant on the show. And, you know, I think it would go a little something like this.

[A commercial for “UTI” medication ends…]

Roger Lodge: Welcome to Blind Date. I’m Roger Lodge.

[Roger turns to another camera.]

Roger Lodge: Our first date tonight is between Daphne, a former beauty queen and Peter, a ruggedly charming Canadian. Daphne’s motto is “Sorority Sistas 4 Lyfe” and Peter doesn’t like people very much. Let’s see if the sparks fly.

[Cheesy music starts and cheap-ass graphics zip on and then off the screen.]

Peter walks up to Daphne’s door and knocks. Daphne answers with a smile.

Daphne: Hi there! How are you?

Peter: I’m good, thanks. I’m Peter.

Daphne: I’m Daphne. But, spelled in a different way. Mine has an “E.”

Peter: Doesn’t Daphne usually have an E?

Daphne: Yes, but mine isn’t where you’d expect.

Peter: What?

Daphne: Let’s go. I’m hungrier than a hostage. But, at least I’m not all dirty like one. Ewww.

[Peter looks at his watch.]

[Peter and Daphne enter the restaurant.]

Daphne: Ohhh. Look at those lobsters in the tank. That’s so sad. If you were a good date you would set them free for me.

Peter: Normally I would, but last week I tried to set some frozen apple strudels free from the grocery store and things went horribly awry.

Daphne: I don’t understand…

Peter: Oh look. Our table is ready.

[Our daters are seated at their table and ordering from the waiter.]

Daphne: I’ll have the small garden salad, and an Evian with a slice of lime in it.

Peter: Seriously? That’s it.

Daphne: Everything else has meat in it. I am a staunch vegetarian. I can’t even stand to see meat on a plate.

Peter: I understand. (To waiter.) I’ll take a burger.

Daphne: OMG! I can’t believe you just did that.

Peter: Did you just say “O-M-G?”

Daphne: Have you ever been to one of those cow slaughtering places?

Peter: Not yet, but if I keep wishing, maybe it’ll happen.

Daphne: Do you know how the cows die?

Peter: I don’t suppose the answer is old age?

Daphne: No!

Peter: Aren’t you wearing leather boots?

Daphne: I am. Don’t you just love how slim they make my legs look?

[Five minutes later.]

Daphne: Men find my beauty to be intimating.

Peter: Yeah. That sounds like a hell of a cross to bear.

[Pop-up bubble dealie says, “Peter is checking out the waitress’ butt.”]

Daphne: What are you doing?

Peter: Checking out the waitress’ butt.

[Pop-up bubble dealie says, “See!?”]

Daphne: Don’t you think that’s a little rude?

Peter: Yeah, probably…

[Five minutes later.]

Daphne: I LOVE “Family Guy.” Love it.

Peter: Do you love it though?

Daphne: I love it. What is your favourite episode?

Peter: I hate that show with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.

Daphne: That’s a lot of suns.

Peter: Some of them may have been counted more than once.

[Peter and Daphne are now standing on a basketball court.]

Daphne: Don’t I look hot in these gym shorts?

Peter: Yes.

Daphne: So, you are going to let me win?

Peter: No.

[Montage of Peter blocking Daphne’s shots repeatedly. After the last one…]

Peter: Keep that weak [expletive deleted] out of here. Whoooo!

[Montage of Peter raining jump shots over Daphne as she files her nails.]

[Now Peter and Daphne are back in their regular clothes and walking down the sidewalk.]

Daphne: This has been a great date. We should totally do it again?

Peter: Honestly?

Daphne: Sure! When I was in pageants, my talent was baton-twirling.

Peter: Mine too.

Daphne: So, where do you stand on the war? I don’t believe that a president would ever take his country to war without a good reason.

[Peter just stares.]

[A montage of Daphne quotes begins…]

Daphne: I wrote a letter to Martha Stewart in prison.

Daphne: I ONLY listen to Jennifer Lopez’ music.

Daphne: I think that ‘Gilmore girls’ sucked. And Lauren Graham isn’t that cute.

Daphne: I think that poor people just aren’t trying hard enough.

Daphne: Higher fence… fewer Mexicans. I’m just sayin’.

[They arrive at Daphne’s front door. Peter looks all glossy-eyed and beat-down.]

Daphne: I wear size seven shoes, but only size six boots.

Peter: (Checking watch) You don’t say.

Daphne: My cat is named “Biscuit.”

Peter: Uh huh.

Daphne: I have absolutely no gag reflex.

[Silence for a few moments.]

Peter: You know, maybe we SHOULD have a second date.

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16 Responses to “The Blind Date One”

  1. 1 MissE

    Your mind is a slightly scary place, Peter.

    Scary… but fuuuuuunnnnnnny!

    Daphne sounds *fab*… I’m amazed Peter didn’t club her to death like a baby seal. Although that no gag reflex thing would be a valid reason to pause, I guess.

  2. 2 Erika

    I’m surprised Peter didn’t bitch-slap Daphne when she mentioned the oh-so-sacred LG not being cute.

  3. 3 Stefanie

    I was hoping you’d mention the little pop-up bubble revealing Peter’s secret thoughts. That’s always the most ridiculous part of an already ridiculous show.

  4. 4 Eve

    OMG, it’s like totally existential.

  5. 5 ~Tim

    Does she have a sister?

  6. 6 Rachel

    HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH
    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA

    *whipes eyes*

    i know that women!

  7. 7 Cyber D

    I embarassed to say that I have seen that show, having said that… you would never make the casting cut. The dudes have to be about as self-indulgent as the chicks or completly retarted… preferably both.

  8. 8 James Cooper

    I’m with erika on thinking the L-G comment was going to be the dealbreaker. Still, no gag reflex huh?

  9. 9 Cait

    See, this is why we’d never work. I’m a vegetarian who loves Family Guy. And I’d probably leave you crying on a basketball court.
    But I do love LG…

  10. 10 Steph

    Haaaaaahaha! Thank you. I needed that laugh.

  11. 11 Airam

    Ha! Not only would I watch this show but I’d order to have my own copy of it.

  12. 12 Kristi

    Edaphn sounds fun. And srsly…poor people aren’t trying hard enough.

  13. 13 toby

    Ha ha! Outstanding. We are such deeply shallow beings.
    At first, I thought you were describing a real tv show, then I thought it was a dream, then a shaggy dog story. But, of course, it was a morality tale.
    btw my “Daphne” was called Kate.

  14. 14 ruby

    “white hot intensity of a thousand suns”…we used to say that in high school actually…great blog!

  15. 15 Amber

    That had me laughing all the way through.

    Too funny!

  16. 16 sediqa

    I can’t believe you didn’t let Daphne win the basketball game. What’s wrong with you?


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