Insignificant Others

17Sep07

Have you grown sick of people asking, “Are you STILL single?” But, at the same time, due to coming out of a bad relationship, being damaged in general, or having no patience at the moment for the horseshit involved, really don’t want to be in a relationship?

Then we have the service for you!

Insignificant Others.

It’s like the John Hughes-ian “girlfriend in Canada” taken to the next logical step.

This is not your Daddy’s fake relationship service.

Sign up with us and we’ll match you with a suitable Insignificant Other immediately!

You and your IO will call and e-mail each other at set times to keep your pesky friends and family satisfied.

You can send each other cards and presents at work to keep co-workers from becoming suspicious.

Your IO will be located a long distance from you.

Our studies have shown that this works best. If you try it with a local, you’ll be tempted to meet for a few drinks, which will lead to a game of nudity chicken, and then invariably to you waking up in each other’s underwear with your foot in the kitty litter box.

Nobody wants that.

Least of all Miss Whiskerpants.

Admittedly, our award-winning service is not much help to you in the boudoir, but Skype is free, so follow your bliss. You know what I’m sayin’.

Here are but a few of the benefits of using Insignificant Others:

Don’t want to attend that wedding shower this weekend? Simply reply, “Sorry, but Esteban will be calling then! It is his only free time this week. No es bueno. But, what the fuck are you going to do?”

What the fuck are you going to do indeed?

And what if you’d like the have an entire weekend all to yourself? Claim that you are flying to “the coast” to see your Insignificant Other. Then you are free to watch football all weekend, or a “What Not to Wear” marathon, including the episode with the kindergarten teacher from San Diego named Leigh that really didn’t need any help at all because she was already super cute.

It’s really that simple!

What if you get to the point where people start with the “When can we meet him?” “Is he going to move here? Are you going to move there?” crap? Simply get rid of him or her all together!

“Esteban is no longer with us…”
“Oh no! I’m so sorry to hear that!”
“Well, he died like he lived… gored by a bull.”

No fuss, no muss.

That will buy you 6-8 good months of no questions. But, once they start again, we’ll have another candidate for you.

And maybe, just maybe, you’ll find that when you are not obligated to, that you don’t mind listening to him telling you that Joey Harrington is killing his fantasy football team, or hearing her talk about how the crazy slut in accounting is, like, totally stealing her look.

Insignificant Others.

It ain’t love, but it ain’t bad.

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20 Responses to “Insignificant Others”

  1. 1 jamelah

    Brilliant. Sign me up.

    Except can there be rules or a contract that says if one of the IOs tries to push it to the next level and become an SO, the other person has the right to have them killed or something?

  2. 2 Peter

    Excellent idea.

    Will be included in the fine print.

  3. 3 mindy

    It’s decided: My next boyfriend must be named Esteban.

  4. 4 molly

    I think you’re on to something there. Can I do your PR?

  5. 5 fear.of.landing

    This is completely brilliant! Its kind of like those programs where you adopt a kid in an impoverished area but you don’t really get to keep the kid. They just send you some details and you exchange some letters and stuff. You are a visionary

  6. 6 Niki Nielsen

    I like the idea. A lot.

  7. 7 blythe

    please, please, please don’t tell me this is a joke. i need to be signed up like yesterday.

  8. 8 lfar

    You’re a man amoung boys, Pete. A man amoung boys.

    And also if you could actually recruit some Estebans? I’d pay for the service.

  9. 9 Princess of the Universe

    Please tell me where I can send my cheque.

  10. 10 STP

    Do you take credit cards?

  11. 11 sybil law

    Hahahahahahaha
    Was the Leigh chick the tiny one?
    God, I suck. :)

  12. 12 Eve

    Hmm. Then they won’t try to introduce you to anyone… Sounds great!

  13. 13 Hellafied

    I actually had an IO. Only he didn’t send me flowers or call me when I’m sick or even be my fake alibi for weddings. And we dated for six and half years. It would have helped had I know he was more I than O the whole time. :)

    Great post, Peter.

  14. 14 canadian sadie

    You’ll be richer than that loser who invented Plenty of Fish. Hell, he still has to run that damned thing out of his APARTMENT…with NO HELP.

    You’ll be able to afford minions in no time! Sign me up for two. I need to keep up my image as a field-player extraordinaire.

  15. 15 Princess Banter

    Hey sounds good — by any chance, these insignificant others allow me to be a lady of leisure and quit my job? ;)

  16. 16 pinknest

    nudity chicken?!

  17. 17 Peter

    mindy: Or you could just call him that.

    molly: Absolutely. Though the product nearly sells itself.

    f.o.l: I AM a visionary. Why don’t more people see this?

    blythe: I NEVER joke about faux relationships. Well, sometimes…

    niki: I’ll put you on the mailing list.

    lisa: Thanks. So far we seem to only have interest from the ladies. Though maybe only women (and Stormin’!) read my blog.

    I am not complaining.

    princess: That spelling of cheque moves you up our waiting list.

    stp: At first I was just going to go with paypal and Amazon gift certificates, but now…

    sybil: Not tiny, I wouldn’t say. She had the Mickey Mouse t-shirt. Not that I’ve ever seen that show.

    eve: No introductions. no awkward, “Soooo are you seeing someone?”

    hellafied: Awwww. Our IOs will definitely call to check on you when you are sick.

    canadian sadie: I have ALWAYS wanted minions. For real.

    princess banter: R&D is looking into that now.

    pinknest: Oh yes. And it is not a game for the faint of heart.

  18. 18 Slightly Disorganized

    Can I be yours? We’re already Myspace friends…it’d be the logical next step.

  19. 19 brookem

    the idea sounds swell to me. is there a gift with purchase?

  20. 20 kelsi

    one word: genius.


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