4th open letter to my future wife


Dear Future Wife,

Hey.  Been a while.  (Since this one and this one and this one.)

I should warn you that I MAY have watched a tiny bit of You’ve Got Mail the other night.  And you know what that does to my e-mail writing.

Well, you don’t know that yet.  But you will.

If you ever show up.

That movie makes me want to sit and type impossibly long emails, where I try to be as clever and charming as possible.  Where I spend a half hour reading it over before hitting “Send.”

And where I spend another hour re-reading it in my “Sent Mail” folder.

Pouring over every word.  Debating what I should have changed.  Beating myself up for one phrase that will probably go unnoticed anyway.

Fuck. I love that.

The problem is…

Who wants to read that shit?

And worse, I get all “FUCK yooooooou” if I don’t get a reply that involved as much time and effort.

I’m a treat, right?

It’s all Meg Ryan’s fault, really.  As most things are.  (At least she’s not a brunette with long hair — that would make it worse for me.)

I was telling another blogger the other night, that texting and IM’ing has ruined e-mail writing.  (Yes, I know e-mail ruined letter writing, but I’m not Amish, so what do I care?)

I love words.  I love the challenge of using the perfect words, in the right order, to express EXACTLY what I want to say.

And how I feel.

I love reading words sent to me and the power that they can have.

Even the silliest, most mundane, things can be fun in an e-mail exchange.

I want to tell someone that I am trying to find the ideal winter coat.

I want for her to ask what I am looking for.

I want to say, “I want a coat that when I wear it, it reminds you of feeling safe and warm, and brings back memories from your past that are so pleasant, yet too elusive to put your finger on, and you think I look like I could have stepped out of a cigarette ad, and you love it even though you hate smoking, and when I come in from scraping and clearing the snow and ice from your car, you want more than anything in the world to be a couple hours late for work because we are playing lumberjack and high society woman whose car broke down.”

And then she’ll say, “J. Crew catalogue.  Page 32.”

Also, Future Wife, I think we should get hitched before 2011.  Because if that movie is correct, the world is going to end in 2012.  And I have a list of things I want to do with you that will take at least a year.  (Or two weeks and a case of Gatorade.)

By the way, the first time I saw the ad for that movie, I was in bed with my glasses off.  I read the screen and thought “It was predicted by the Mayans” actually said, “It was predicted by the Wayans.”

And I was like “Really?  The dudes who brought us White Chicks?”

In the meantime, I will take comfort in knowing that I can now watch my girlfriend Sofie Allsopp online. (For the record, Sofie doesn’t know she’s my girlfriend, but I gotta think she’ll be pretty thrilled when she finds out.)

Keep your stick on the ice.


-ps The whole me watching You’ve Got Mail thing, that stays between us, right?


40 Responses to “4th open letter to my future wife”

  1. 1 Sid

    You got mail? Really? It’s so bleh. I prefer “While you were sleeping”. Oh and “Mickey Blue Eyes”.

    • I don’t remember anything about either of those movies.

      You’ve Got Mail had some lines I liked. Plus I had a 5 or 6 year love of Parker Posey.

  2. I hope I never get a snail mail love letter. I don’t know, the thought that maybe the guy was masturbating before he sent it to me ruins it. That’s how disease is spread. Yep, dry semen on a letter.

    Juuuust Sayin’.

  3. God. Stop posting your letters to me in public.

  4. I took my brother coat shopping on the weekend. He wanted a coat that “wasn’t puffy.” Let’s hope his future wife hates delightfully detailed, thoughtfully crafted responses.

    Also, I can think of few things that would make me happier than receiving an email like this. Nicely done, as usual.

  5. I’m not the only one that spends an hour reading emails from my “sent” folder? That’s a relief.

  6. I’ve discussed 2012 with some very intelligent friends who insist that if you book a day of traveling wherein you fly around the world, one chunk at a time, staying always one hour ahead of 12:00 on 12/12/2012 and you’ll end up escaping the whole thing.

    I’ll meet you on the runway!

  7. I read the line as “And I have a list of things I want to do to you that will take at least a year.”

  8. Are you insinuating that writing letters to me is outdated? Because my letters and purple ink are NOT AMISH MISTER. And my video responses when I’m too lazy to hand write things are definitely not Amish. You ungrateful Canadian…

  9. I’m a sucker for Meg Ryan & Tom Hanks movies. I am not ashamed.

    Between Twitter, social statuses, and texting, no one feels the need to write emails anymore. I miss them.

    I email my mom a lot, but she doesn’t count.

  10. Perhaps you should let Sophie know she’s your girlfriend? Just a thought… ;)

  11. You will scrape the snow and ice from her car? And you’re NOT taken?

    What’s wrong with Canadian women? You need to move to Minneapolis.

    P.S. If you want to bring back memories with a coat you need to incorporate the entire ensemble…Moon boots and all.


  12. “And I have a list of things I want to do with you that will take at least a year. (Or two weeks and a case of Gatorade.)”

    I hope my future husband’s mind works that way…

    • A-Rae!

      My leggy friend, I am sure you’ll inspire such thoughts in your future husband.

      In the future husbands of others.

      In patio furniture.

  13. 27 A

    How does the future wife respond to “Keep your stick on the ice,” hmm?

    Keep your head up in the corners?
    Join the odd man rush?

    Bury it five hole,

  14. It took a “You’ve Got Mail” reference to force me to comment but here are all the eleventy thousand things I must share.

    1. I do not trust people who do not enjoy “You’ve Got Mail”. It’s like saying you don’t like panda bears. I just don’t get it.

    2. When I was little, I loved good books so much, I told my brother that I wanted to “eat the pages” so the words would stay inside me. Needless to say, he laughed his ass off and when he and I are around anyone I might want to impress, he brings it up. And laughs like a lunatic until I punch him. Then he just laughs harder.

    3. #2 was me just showing that I relate to appreciating good words. I fear it just made me look psycho. And possibly, violent.

    4. J. Crew has a coat called the ‘wool university coat” that every man should own.

    5. I didn’t even make an age dig after I typed ‘university’. Marvel at my restraint.

    6. Even though “When Harry met Sally” is more realistic (as realistic as movies starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan can be- hello? Joe? Meet Volcano), I will always love “You’ve got mail” more.

    7. If the end of the world is 2012, I need to buy more J.Crew.

  15. i don’t get NEARLY enough emails from peter dewolf. just sayin.

  16. I am so jealous of your future wife right now.

  17. I think I can speak for all of us writerly, English majory girls when I write SWOOOONNNN. I love “You’ve Got Mail” probably TOO much and I love this entry! Adorable! And happy birthday!

  18. Here I thought obsessing over every single flippin’ word I write/draw/paint, before and after completion, was just an obsessive compulsive me thing.

    I quote You’ve Got Mail and French Kiss waaaaaaaay too much. And Shawshank Redemption, but that’s an entirely different literary obsession.

  19. I don’t draw and paint words. >_<

  20. 39 Lauren

    I love these letters! Not sure why I am JUST discovering them now.

  21. 40 buy phentermine

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