it’s all cupid and junk, future wife
Hi, you.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
So I’m not sure if you’re a sappy outside/tough but still sappy inside type, or all tough girl and bluster outside/sappy romantic inside
But it doesn’t matter. I can work with either.
And you’re going to get spoiled regardless.
I’ve been thinking about what that might involve, you know, if you just go ahead and show up already.
*Ahem*
Even if you’re a “flowers are just fine” type… Naw. I’m not about perfunctory gestures.
But I wouldn’t rule flowers out completely. For example…
I could get 60 strangers to walk up to you on the street and each hand you one flower. (I really could, I’m surprisingly persuasive.) Your favourite flower. Which you will tell me on our third date and I’ll burn it into my mind. There’ll be a tag on each of these flowers. On the tag there’ll be one word and one number. (And possibly a picture of me making a silly face and giving a thumbs-up.) When the tags are placed in numerical order, the words will form a mini word doodle. Just for you.
I think something moderately sweet, yet kind of a pain in the ass, would represent me pretty well, FW.
Or (And?) I’ll track down your favourite snack treat of all time. If a cute girl has a favourite snack treat, she should get some.
That’s all.
I should warn that it is possible that I’ll go overboard. While deciding between buying you three or four of them, I’ll split the difference and buy you seventeen.
I’ll have a day that’s all about you.
Starting with breakfast in bed. Which I’ll deliver with something like, “The challenge, you see, is making sure the toast is done at the exact same time as the eggs. Scientists have been working on it for years. YEARS.”
You’ll call me a “Dork.”
I’ll feign outrage. Probably by saying, “Outrage!”
I’ll sneakily come up with the PERFECT romantic 12 song playlist and put it on your ipod. I’ll spend 75 hours working on this list.
You’ll listen to it while getting dressed for dinner. That I made. (While rocking an apron.) This part will be a bit of an adventure. But I suspect that you’re the brave type. To test that theory, I’ll mumble things like “You wanted your chicken ‘rare,’ right?”
While getting dressed, you’ll be looking at your ass in the mirror. You’ll realize you’re not quite as in love with it as I am, but that you’re glad that I like it so much.
You’ll tell me those jeans are a size smaller than you normally wear.
I’ll tell you that I don’t understand girls’ jean sizes.
You’ll say, “Wearing a smaller size makes me happy. It’s good.”
I’ll look at your ass and say, “Daaaamn right it’s good. Mrrrwwwwooowwwr.”
You’ll say, “You’re cute.”
I’ll say, “I really am!”
And I’ll wear your favourite outfit on me (and likely something you picked out.)
You’ll say “You remembered.”
And I’ll say, “This? It was the only thing clean.”
Because I’m like that.
But I’ll smile.
And you’ll know.
And you’ll smile.
And I’ll love it.
However…
Instead of doing any of these things, I’ll likely watch soccer on Sunday and work on my follow-up to this. Maybe I’ll write a super romantic scene for it.
Have a great day.
And hopefully next year, lady, you’ll be my valentine.
Love,
Peter
Filed under: peter's future wife | 35 Comments
You wait…this will quickly turn into a Cape Breton edition of The Bachelor.
On which I shall be the delectable host.
Or judge.
Or just someone who’s involved for the sake of including a homo.
Why do I feel like a Cape Breton homo would still look ready for a night out at the Legion?
Aaaand this is why I dot need a Valentine. I’d rather sit on my butt and watch tv then have to do silly things like SHOWER or get dressed.
Fight the power, stinky.
Your imaginary valentine’s day is so much sweeter than most girl’s real valentine’s day.. I am really quite envious of your FW..
And I don’t have to shave for the imaginary kind.
Oh, who am I kidding, I wouldn’t shave for the real one either.
Not shaving for a few days and having a scruff is sexy.. so, nothing wrong with that ;)
We generally skip Valentine’s day if I possibly can, but this made me smile. Thanks!
Far out.
(I’m bringing “far out” back.)
Mmmmmm. Perfunctory.
I… don’t know what to do with this.
And does FW do anything for you in return? (Besides put out, I mean…)
I guess you’ll have to ask her.
Tell her I said “Hi.”
I was just going to say, Shelley.
All this stuff Peter says he’ll for his FW …
Sure, it’s totally swoon-worthy.
But being put on a pedestal and kowtow’ed to gets old real fast. I know…I’ve been there.
I’m awesome like that.
Kowtow? Really?
I don’t want to interfere with your projecting here, but I’m prrrrretty sure FW will bring some pretty adorable behaviour of her own to the party.
And, trust me, I (or my ego) require spoiling too.
Purrrrrfect…. :)
I wasn’t thinking kowtowing so much as attentive adoration. But if I know F-Dub, I’m pretty sure she’ll keep you on your toes.
It’s complete madness that you’re still single.
It is, quite simply, one of the greatest mysteries facing society today.
I think you need to send a Valentine’s Day How-To to the future Mr. Jenn.
Get on that. Thanks.
I’ll be putting on a weekend seminar at the airport Hilton.
I’ll send all the future Mr. Jenn candidates a memo.
Pretty sure I’m going to print this out and pass it out to any future boyfriends as a guide to “how to make Amy swoon beyond all reason…”
I try to help others find love.
Like a pimp.
ya, I’m pretty sure these are all turning into a great how-to guide for us women.
I should write a book.
But then Oprah will ask me, “And how long have YOU been single?”
And I’ll cry.
Have to admit, that’s pretty effing sweet.
Except for the part where strangers approach FW. What if she, too, is afraid of odd (read: unknown) people giving her stuff in public?
Though, really, such an appreciation of her ass probably makes up for it.
Glad we talked that one out.
You raise a good point about the strangers.
I’d get her 5th grade basketball team or something.
You. You might’ve made me tear up and awweeee out loud in public.
Stinker.
Yeah, you have me all excited for pdw.com – 2/14/11 edition. Obviously FW will be around and if she isn’t, we REALLY need to work on her punctuality.
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dear goofus-
Look South. I’ve been here the whole time. Waiting.
Re: those 17 snack cakes. (Chocodiles- if you must know.)
kthxbai!
me
gerber daisies and koala yummies.
Favorite part of this post? Your feigning tactic.
Love.
i love this.