it’s the flow or rhythm, future wife


So, hi, future wife.

Long time no type.

Not sure why I haven’t written to you in a while.

Maybe I’m a little irked that you haven’t replied yet.

Or maybe it’s because of the economy.

But here’s the thing:

I miss you.

I do.

I was shooting the poop with (wonderful ex) Jen the other day and told her that “I miss being a delightful boyfriend.”

She replied, “You’re still delightful.”

So I said, “YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT I AM!!!!!!!!”

OK. I didn’t really say that. But we all know that I was thinking it.

I explained that I felt like my rampant delightfulness was being wasted.

You see, I have some spoiling I want to do.

Spoiling to a level you can’t begin to imagine.


I’ll ruin you for all other men. You’ll pretty much have to stay with me at that point.

Plus I’ll brand you.


Or am I?

Naw I’m kidding.

Or… am I?

I am kidding.

Or am–

Never mind.

I want that big, ridiculous love.

The historical kind, you know?

I want EPIC.

Like we’ll start a band. Ideally with people that can, uhm, play instruments and stuff. After much debate, we’ll eventually settle on a name that is too inside-jokey and leads to confusion as to how to pronounce it. We’ll build a small, cult following at first, but then a song we write together will feature in some indie movie starring a tv star in an entirely different role, and we’ll become huge “overnight sensations.” We’ll name our first-born daughter Cadence. When she’s little and hates it, I’ll totally tell her it was your idea. And when she’s all grown and loves it, I’ll take full credit. I’m like that. But it won’t all be smooth sailing. Oh no no. There’ll be tests, my love. At the height of our fame, there’ll be jealousies. Professional and otherwise. Anne Hathaway will win some auction for guitar lessons from me, and you won’t like the way she snuggles up next to me to watch me play. And I’ll assure you “That chick couldn’t carry your jock.” And you’ll be all, “Then why do you own The Princess Diaries on DVD?!?” And I’ll say, “I’m holding it for a friend!! I swear!!” And later I’ll get asked in a magazine interview about what keeps our relationship working, and I’ll reply, “Irregular sex regularly” and you’ll be annoyed by that and decide to wear a skimpy outfit for our next show. And I’ll make a face. And you’ll say, “My body, my choice, bitch!” And I’ll shrug and reply, “It’s a lovely skirt. It is. I hear that plainly visible ovaries are in this spring.”

Hmm. Maybe we should start a book club instead of a band?

Have a good weekend, lady.

And show up already.




32 Responses to “it’s the flow or rhythm, future wife”

  1. 1 pinkjellybaby

    Hmmm… I like to sing (doesn’t mean I can) and I own a guitar (but can’t play it)… can spoil me if you like anyway…

    • I have no musical talent to speak of. But I kind of have a rock star jerkface arrogance at times.

      And I could destroy a hotel room.

  2. I miss having a delightful boyfriend…

  3. 5 Aly

    I hope she reads this blog and catches up with you!

  4. 7 Amy

    aww. I still like these letters :)

  5. 9 Megan

    You’re charming and adorable.

  6. I do like these. They invariably make me smile.

    “I hear that plainly visible ovaries are in this spring.” Heh.

    At the rate you are going, she might be afraid to show up because she can’t live up to expectations! :P Seriously, though, I’m sure you’ll get to be delightful for someone again soon.

  7. iiiii’ve been waiting for this. fw is likely saving up for a white horse. or a horse drawn carriage. you know she’s going to arrive in style.

  8. 15 Jennifer

    I hope she shows up for you soon, because these letters are just perfect.

  9. Not only are you going to ruin your future wife for all other men, you are also ruining the chances of all the single girls reading it to fall for any guy they meet.. you raise the bar too high Peter..

  10. What horrendously negative attribute are you hiding from all of us, P? I’m happily married and all, but I honestly get frustrated with my husband for not thinking like you sometimes, which I’m willing to admit is a little odd, seeing as I’ve never actually “met” you.

  11. 23 Jamie

    I would like that big, ridiculous love too, please.

    I wrote a letter my future man a couple months ago on my blog. This makes me want to do another.

  12. I do believe our minds could hang out together.


  13. “I hear that plainly visible ovaries are in this spring.”

    Damn rights they are. And that’s how you’ll know she’s the one for you.
    Keep your head up, Peter. She’ll come…ovaries all hanging out and a head full of eyes and brains too.

  14. I love the plainly visible ovary look. Beautiful post. I know she’s out there. Probably taking her time just to show you who’s boss. I kind of like this lady already. ;-D

  15. This post is definitely going to make any girl reading it want to be your future wife. Right everyone? Tell me I’m not alone!!!

  16. I like the fact that your prepared for your FW to be a handful.

    As most women are.

    Some just hide it better than others. :)

  17. Yay I missed these!

  18. 30 Tambourinequeen

    And this answers the question why all the bloggers have a crush on you.

  19. When I get to one of your posts and there are already 30 comments I feel like I’m just another girl with an e-crush. It makes me sad Mr. DeWolf. VERY VERY VERY SAD. I will now bug you on gchat to tell you so.

  20. 32 Christina

    Hi! I’m sort of new to the comment section. So I suppose first, because I never have before, I should compliment your writing in general– it’s pretty awesome. But what I really wanted to tell you is that your description of this future band you and FW are going to create reminds me of the Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros song “Home”, mostly because the two singers are a couple and they look so goofy in love when they sing it together. The song is fantastic…you shoud listen to it if you haven’t before. And then try and find a video of them singing it together and you’ll see what I mean.

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