this one somehow got a little fliiiirrrrty, future wife


Hi hi, future wife.

I like to write stuff.

And that might be the most obvious thing I’ve ever said.

I think I’ve told you about how much I love to write long and silly e-mails.

Well I have discovered that I also love to write hand-written letters. Old school, baby. Of course the downside to that is that the receiver has to somehow deal with the fact that my handwriting is doctor’s prescription pad illegible. Honest and for true. It’s bad bananas.

If you can overlook that fact, I think you might enjoy my letters, lady. They are possibly even sillier than my emails. And that, my gorgeous little friend, is saying something.

I leave notes in the margins. I use arrows to direct your attention places. I draw pictures to express things when words just aren’t enough. Have I mentioned that I can’t draw at all?

It’s a scene, man.

When I’m done with the main letter itself, and still have more things to say, I might write another letter to go along with the first one. Maybe it’s addressed to you. Maybe it’s addressed to your breasts.

“Helloooooo, ladies. You’re looking well…”

I might even jot random thoughtlets down on post-its and stick them to the letter (or letters) before sealing the envelope.

I like post-its. I leave notes to myself on them all the time. Frequently they are writing ideas that, for the sake of society, should be forgotten. I am going to leave you post-its too. Anywhere. Everywhere.

I could stick one up on the kitchen ceiling. You’ll climb up on a chair and still have to streeeetch to get it. Then you’ll pull it down, and read it.

“I can’t believe you went through all that trouble for this note. Sucka.”

I’m a joy.

You may wake up with a post-it on your forehead:

“Peter kissed here. You’re a very sound sleeper. So tomorrow I kiss… (over —->)”

And on the other side:

“YOUR GOODIES! Wooooooooooooooooooooo!”

When you’re taking a shower, it is very possible that I’ll sneak into the bathroom to leave a note in the steam on the mirror.

Of course it is even more possible that I’ll jump out of my clothes and into the shower behind you.

“Oh, I didn’t realize someone was in here,” I’ll say.


“Since I’m already in here, I’ll just lather myself up a little and…”

“That’s not you that you’re lathering,” you’ll point out.

“Are you quite certain? I’m pretty sure that it was me who had such luscious breasts.”

“I can’t help but notice that you aren’t stopping,” you’ll say.

“Huh. That’s weird.”

But it won’t be all silliness and cheap thrillery.

After a long, sucky day of work, you’ll climb into your car and pull down your sun visor and see a little pink square stuck there.

“I love you” and a heart drawn under it.

Granted “love” will have been gone over a few times because I wrote it wrong the first time. And the heart will be kind of lopsided.

Actually that is a pretty good representation of my love.



27 Responses to “this one somehow got a little fliiiirrrrty, future wife”

  1. 1 missyummyface

    I would love a handwritten letter from you, they sound brilliant…

    …and I also leave post-it notes for people..cute ones…

  2. 3 Linz

    I just love your future wife posts.

  3. 5 Amy

    too cute :)

  4. this makes my heart swell.

  5. Peter, I love you.

  6. 11 Katie

    I traditionally hate emotion. I’m emotionally challenged. However, you make it sound good, Sir DeWolf-pants.

  7. 13 Gage

    it all sounds lovely…except for the notes to the breasts part. That bit is just a bit creepy and ugh.

    • Awww. Someone’s breasts make one too many walks back from the mail box empty-handed?

      • 15 Jenna

        My boyfriend left a note in a word document on my computer titled “Dear Amazing Boobs”. It was hilarious and adorable and lovely. :) Not the least bit creepy to me.

  8. I’ve always been convinced Hilroy has a thing for doodley love letters. I mean, why else have the margins, right?

    • You know, I think you’re right.

      When I try to write letters on paper without margins, I get all confused. And then I’m forced to cram notes inside the body of the letter itself.

  9. While your future notes are going to be incredibly endearing, I think you better make sure FW isn’t as o.c.d. as, say…ME. The urge to edit and rewrite your very romantic expressions of love would be all too much, and I’d start leaving little return to sender post its with helpful hints for writing a successful love letter. That would suck all the love out of the entire situation, and you’d leave me and my luxurious breasts. You would totally not get them in the divorce.

    • Why in the world would you think that my love letters would ever need any kind of editing?

      That’s crazy talk.

  10. 20 mindy

    No one’s ever written a letter to my breasts. Suddenly I feel inadequate.

  11. Pardon. Me and my luscious breasts.

  12. You and your perfect endings.

  13. 24 Nora

    Is there a future Mrs. Peter DeWolf who is reading these posts now? If so, she’s pretty darn lucky. And if there isn’t one reading now, whoever she is will be incredibly lucky.

    You managed to make me laugh, grin and get teary eyed all in one blog post. That’s talent, my friend.

  14. I love how ridiculously optimistic you are about life and love and all that jazz. Sometimes I need a reminder to just keep hoping. These letters arrive at just those times, appropriately enough.

    Haiku is so much fun. You should host a haiku contest.

  15. This just made me cry. My “tomboy” card just got revoked. You’ll be hearing from my lawyer.

    I leave very random comments

  16. Perhaps a post-it note a day, for 365 days (or, you know, for what some people like to call a year) that, when strung together, spell out your most intrepid sentiments about future wife. Or maybe a riddle? Or a sonnet? Or an essay discussing why yellow post-it notes are far superior to any of those ridiculous neon-colored ones?

    I mean, really, the possibilities are endless.

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