i have to tell you something, future wife
Well hiiiiii there, Future Wife.
I like your hair today.
But I really do have something to tell you.
And it is not that I was coerced into listening to a bunch of Taylor Swift songs last night and, you know, she’s not bad. (After some debate, I have decided that “Our Song” is my favourite.)
That is definitely not what I want to tell you.
Man… this is hard to say.
Sweetie… there are other women in my life.
And I suppose I should introduce you to them.
First of all, there’s…
My nine year old adorably cute niece.
She was actually just here this past weekend. And I genuinely believe that she’s getting cuter each time she comes down. Before this visit, she informed me during one of our phone chats that she was NOT bringing me hugs, kisses or cuddles.
I was outraged.
She also let me know that she WAS bringing me kicks in the bum.
I was outrageder.
But I knew she was just kidding, because I am her favouritest person ever. When she is in town, she always wants to be around me. For example, on a recent visit, she was hanging out with my dad and he was feeding her lunch. I left the room for a minute.
I heard, “Unc! Unc!”
I came back.
“Do you want Unc to feed you lunch?”
She shook her head “no.”
“Do you want Unc to get you a drink?”
She shook her head “no.”
“Do you just want Unc to always stay in the room with you?”
“Hmm. Fair enough.”
That’s not bad for the ego. Plus whenever I ask her if she loves me, she says, “Yeeeaaaaah.”
We’ll just ignore the long sigh that comes before it.
The next woman in my life is my 13 year old cousin The Monkey.
The other night I had to drop some papers off at her grandparent’s house. She was there. I hadn’t talked to her in a week or so, and decided to say “hi.”
Within seconds she told me, “My laptop is soooooooo slow. I can barely use it. Will you look at it for me?
I told her I’d check it out later. She said, “If you do it tonight, I’ll love you forever.”
I grrrr’d. She ran home for it. I waited.
She eventually came strolling in and said, “MydadwassweepingtheflooranditwaswetsoIhadtowaittogetmylaptopbutI’mbacknow.”
I just nodded.
Then she informed me that she had put a dvd into her laptop, and it wouldn’t play right, so she opened the dvd drive… and no dvd came out. It was stuck inside.
I told her to get tweezers. I told her we were shutting the laptop off first so I wouldn’t get fried. I jokingly told her if I do get zapped, to knock the tweezers out of my hand. She said, “The first thing I’d do is run. But then I’d tell someone you were getting fried.”
So I worked on her laptop for an hour or so. Trying to make it faster.
Finally I told her I wanted to do something else to it, but it would take a while.
She said, “I kinda want to use my laptop tonight… How about you come over tomorrow while I’m gone to get my bottom braces on and do it then because you love me?”
I grrrr’d again and called her a pain in the ass. But agreed.
So the next day I went over at lunch to do it. I looked around. Finally I asked her grandparents if they had seen the laptop.
Her grandmother replied, “Oh, she took that with her this morning.”
And the third woman…
Well she’s a brown-eyed beauty.
She’s my niece’s border collie Nipper.
Nipper has a crush on me. She’ll walk over to wherever I’m sitting, put her head on my leg and just stare at me.
This might have something to do with the fact that I give her a treat whenever we come back in from… doing her business outside.
So, of course, she always wants me to be the one who takes her outside.
The other day my sister was laughing and said, “You take her out 6 or 7 times a day when she’s here, right?”
“You realize she holds it for 12 hours or more at home sometimes?”
So apparently I’m being completely worked by a border collie.
Clearly these little chicks are a lot for you to contend with, Future Wife. But I’ll always have plenty of room for you. And those other three ladies will undoubtedly love you too. You’ll like that. Trust me.
And I have lots of love and spoilings to go around. You’ll never feel left out or neglected. Your back will always be gotten. You’ll always be adored.
Of course I won’t give you a treat each time you pee.
Filed under: ACN, The Monkey | 12 Comments