Ask My Ex ANSWERS! – Part 1 (?)

30Jun09

So the plan was to put up the post yesterday asking for questions for Jen, wait a week, and then give them to her.  But she got all excited and started sending me answers right away.  And, judging by the answers, maybe I shouldn’t have made the crack about her taking credit for the sunrise.  Of course she made an Arrested Development reference in an e-mail, so I forgave her.

Mostly.

You can still submit more questions over here. It’s not as if Jen has a job or a life or anything better to do than talk about me.

Here are her unedited answers.  I put in notes where necessary.

brandy:

1. How did you did you muster the strength to deal with a terror like Peter on a daily basis?

Listen, Peter is a picker. The sooner one learns that, the better. Mostly, I relied on my fabulous rack to distract him from picking on me – and the mirror. Seriously. He starts in all blah blah blah, you flash some skin and he’s all “D’uhhhhh, hi.”

2. Peter often describes himself as lovely or charming- words I usually save for rainbows or unicorns. How would you best describe Peter?

A lazy lanky lovable drink of water. Also: stubbly. Also: loyal. Very. He still hates people I haven’t talked to or thought about in eight years.

3. He’s joking about the Lauren Graham love isn’t he? I mean no one is really THAT blind to her lack of talent and general ungraceful acting presence? (The fact that you have mentioned her broad shoulders makes me love you far more than I should love someone I do not know).

Unfortunately, he is not joking. The good news is that his true love forever and ever used to be Jennifer Aniston. And after that, he would have so many of Charisma Carpenter’s babies. What’s that? This information is new to you? Haven’t heard much about them? You’re welcome. I have a no-fail trick to completely destroy his love for celebrities, which I will not reveal so as to retain supreme power. Yes, I’m one of THOSE exes. I have left him the manly Lauren Graham out of compassion. Now celebrity chicks that are in the Pete wheelhouse are getting to be too young for him, which is immensely gratifying.

[Peter note:  I asked her what this method is and she laughed at me. ]

PS I used to be deeply insecure about Alanis Morrisette because I thought he might think she is cuter than me and marry her up because she’s Canadian. Then I realized she’s a little crazy. Thank you, India.

[Peter note: Jen is much cuter than Alanis.]

Matt:

On a scale of 1-10, how lazy is Peter when it comes to doing household chores? Does he let the dishes pile up? Does he have dirty boxers stuffed under the couch cushion?

I’m sorry, I just choked a little there.

First, the good. Pete will vacuum. When pressed. But he’ll do it. Next! He will cook. For himself. Don’t try to touch his potatoes. And I don’t mean that in a sexy way. But he will do the dishes afterwards. Lastly! Peter is allergic to dust. Which is strange, since his bedroom has a thick protective coating of it.

[Peter note:  Outrageous!  In my defense, I have never loved dusting.  In fact, I’d just use the vacuum to quickly run over tables and TVs, whatever.  But now that I’ve discovered The Swiffer Duster, I don’t mind dusting.  As much.  Also, I say “Swiff!  Swiff!  Swiff!” while dusting.  Don’t judge me.]

shine:

1. Does Peter talk about himself this much in person or does the conversation ever drift to other topics?

No, he talks about his charm MORE in person, if anything. Unless sports are on. Or the A C N is there. Or if he thinks about the A C N. Or sees a picture of her. Right now he is reading this and wants to write me back, “She’s so cute, Jen.”

[Peter note: She IS so cute!]

2. Peter actually likes musicals, doesn’t he?

I haven’t been able to confirm this, but he did perform in one as a child. There are pictures! I have seen them.

3. Please share an embarrassing story about Peter.

Honestly, I can’t think of anything that would embarrass Pete except maybe showing up for his sister’s wedding in beaten-up sandals because he couldn’t find his nice shoes. Note: He only has three pairs of shoes. The cowboy boots don’t count. See also: dust.

[ Peter note: Jen has a terrible memory.  And she is prone to exaggeration.  I couldn’t find ONE of my nice shoes.  Sheesh.]

4. Do you think it’s an odd coincidence that the Spanish word for “pregnant” is so close to the English word “embarrassed”?

It’s no coincidence. It’s The Man trying to bring us down.

sid:

1) Peter has previously admitted to loving blondes because they remind him of a Crunchie wrapper. Now I would much rather remind a guy of the chocolatey goodness, that has given a man momentary pleasure than the litter he will immediately discard once he has obtained what he wants, but that’s just me. My question is … are you a blonde?

Here is Pete’s code:

Blondes: aw, so cute and little.

Brunettes: marriage material

Redheads: crazy.

No, I’m not a blonde.

[Peter note: I’d marry a blonde.]

2) How did you and Peter meet? Please take note that I’m seriously lacking romantic tales here. Seriously, the last time a guy hit on me he asked me if I was a hooker because “I looked to classy for him to afford me.” Having just said this, I urge you to make this story as romantic as possible. Embellish if you have to. Throw in a couple of magical unicorns for my benefit. Please!

I was working as a waitress at a cocktail bar. That much is true. And then a magical unicorn came along and carried me to the impossibly inaccessible corner of Canada, where it snows every day and birds kill themselves by bashing their heads against plate glass windows when they become winter-crazed. And lo, a handsome prince did await me. And he said “Hey. How about you let my mom show you pictures from their cruises from the last three years while people you’ve never met yell and thump beer bottles on the table? Then maybe we watch some sports and cuddle.” That was pretty much how it went down, only with more Simpsons quotes and care packages. Oh and I once poisoned him with some shortbread cookies. Also also, lots and lots of yahoo chatting.

3) Do you own a pair of fuck-me boots?

They’re Fluevogs.  I guess if you’re into steampunk they’d get your engine going?

[Peter note: I don’t know what any of that means.]

Feel free to submit more Qs!

Advertisements


23 Responses to “Ask My Ex ANSWERS! – Part 1 (?)”

  1. 1 sid

    You poisoned him with shortbread cookies? On purpose?

    Also you’re really sold me on Nova Scotia. Sounds like an excellent place to live.

    • Nova Scotia is awesome. Jen is originally from the Northeast and acts as though she’s never seen snow before.

  2. 3 Matt

    The swiffer changes people’s lives, doesn’t it?

  3. This is wonderful throughout, but I particularly enjoyed the comment about celebrity chicks/immesely gratifying, and the yelling and thumping of the beer bottles story. Also I have no idea what fluevogs/steampunk means either.

  4. 7 shine

    I would just like to state for the record that I am NOT crazy. Even if my hair is red.

    Oh, and my hair’s not really red anyway.

  5. Dear Jen,

    How about something for all the softies out there?

    What is the most romantic thing Peter ever did for you?

    Commence the “Awwww Peter!s”

    Thanks,
    Megan

  6. 12 LiLu

    And here I thought I was the only one who made the “Swiffy” noise while dusting! Twinsies!

  7. 14 BS

    If Jen were a blogger, I’d have to debate whether to read her or Peter first in the morning.

  8. Fluevogs? Those are the ultimate fuck-me boots. I like this Jen. (And I admit to being a little proud of myself for knowing what those look like. Alas, sometimes spending too much time online looking at shoes DOES pay off, world!).

    Also, I’m not sure what it says about me that I could see the Jen Aniston crush more than the Lauren Graham one. At least Jen Aniston has some talent.

    Lastly, if even Jen hasn’t seen the photos- I will accept the fact that you can’t find them and allow you to move on and not spend your waking moments searching for them.

    Sincerely,
    a cute and little person.
    (that makes me sound like I’m THISCLOSE to getting my own show on TLC for short people, doesn’t?)

    • She had to send me a link to explain what the boots are.

      I really did try to find that ET pics. They are elusive.

  9. 18 MJ

    There are few men out there who can resist a nice pair o’ titties!

  10. Ha, I seriously love this.

  11. Swiffer changed my life. True story. I don’t even think the commercials do it justice.

  12. that fact that she called lauren graham manly made me laugh out loud.

  13. 22 datingtoilet

    The Spanish word for pregnant IS too close to embarrassed and I made that mistake in Spain once. I was so embarrasada.


  1. 1 our first drabble entry! (and other random tidbits.) « PeterDeWolf.com

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: